Wrong Words

I am horrible with words sometimes. Sometimes, but not all the time. Most of the time I say the wrong thing when I fear something or I am insecure about something. Even writing this now is causing a little anxiety because it makes me feel vulnerable because of admitting my weaknesses. Fear and insecurity tend to drive my thoughts and words in the wrong direction. This is still an area in my life that I need to work on. I fear rejection and being hurt, but yet I seem to be the cause of that happening. Go figure. I then hate myself afterwards for saying things the way I did instead of saying what I really want to say. But what do you when there is a chance that what you really want to say may also lead to rejection or hurt? That is where I stay confused. Do I take the jump or do I simply wait? I think where I am the safest is to just say nothing at all! That is hard to do when there is so much inside that I want to say to someone. Waiting on something has never been a strong point of mine. I better learn quick because my impatience is causing me to lose people that are important to me. I know what I have to do to get over yet another obstacle and challenge for me. Look to God. My aunt posted to my Facebook status one of my favorite bible verses: Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. ~Proverbs 3:5-6  This is always a challenge to do as a human in this awful world. However, I am glad to know that He is in control and can get me through anything. I am glad to know that I don't have to try to fix me. He can make me who I need to be and who He wants me to be as long as I turn to HIM!

Another fork in the road...

Life has once again led me to a fork in the road. And as usual.... I haven't the slightest idea which way to go. I think most all of us have this happen to us way more often than we would like. I do find it interesting how different I handle it these days than I did just a few years ago. I remember feeling like my whole world was coming to an end and "oh my goodness, what am I going to do". I have to admit that this is still my initial reaction to the challenges I face. The difference now is that I don't stay in that frame of mind for long. When I did, I was absolutely miserable. I didn't like the way I felt. So, now I have my moment, put it in God's hands and move on. Why continue to mope around about it? God is in control and HE knows what is best for me. I may not always understand why things go the way they do. But I can guarantee that some point down the line I will look back and understand it. It may not be while I am on this earth, but I will when I see Jesus' face in my heavenly home. This brings to mind a hymn I grew up singing......

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
Cheer up my brother, live in the sunshine
We'll understand it all by and by

Emotions downloading please wait.....

   Do you ever wish there was a "pause" button or "cancel" button when you start to feel way too many emotions starting to take over your mind? We may not have an actual button to push but we often "pause" our emotions. This is done when we decide it is best to just set it aside and deal with it another time. The same goes for a "cancel" button. We do this when emotions start to rise that we don't like and we just shove them back in and pretend they don't exist or it didn't happen. I have seen far too many people head the wrong direction in life because of the "cancel" button they chose to use. I have to admit I have used the "cancel" and "pause" button in my life at times. I have realized in the end when I use them I tend to eventually explode with emotions at some point sooner or later which then usually ends in disaster. I have seen friends and family live a miserable life because they are unwilling to face the situation, talk about it, and move on. Nothing is easy, and I am not saying that we will ever forget things we have gone through. I just think that we should not allow our past or current negative situations to control our lives. We have to rise above it. This would be when a "delete" button would definitely come in handy. Life, unfortunately, is not the easy.
   I have also found myself trying to please others or live my life based on how or what they think I should do. This has just created an even larger emotional issue. At times it is hard to tell the difference between what I feel and what others have made me think I feel. I experienced this not too long ago when I broke off a relationship with someone that I really loved. I almost lost him forever because I made choices on something someone else was saying instead of how I really felt. Trust me when I say, that is not a good thing to do. Listen to yourself. After all, it is your life and not theirs. Why be miserable because someone else doesn't like what you are doing. Live your life!
   I am learning this a little at a time and even more recently thanks to a good friend who has his own share of challenges, probably more than he should have. But, he does not let that get in the way. He has his bad days, but one thing he always shows me is that it doesn't matter what others think, you have to be who you are. I was chatting on the phone the other day with another friend and she asked me how things were. I made the statement "Not the greatest, but things aren't going to get better until I do something to change it". I was shocked by what came out of my mouth. I have always known that I have to do something to change it, but I have never actually acknowledged it in that way. Don't get me wrong, I am a full believer in what the Lord provides and He will lead the way. However, I don't think He expects us to just sit around and wait for it to fall into our laps. Motivation is hard to find at times when you feel like you have given all you can give. I can guarantee that you have more to give. I know I do, I just forget it sometimes. Because sometimes it is easier just to give up instead of working and waiting for what we want. It's even harder to figure out what we want. I am getting there. I think I will start my own little list so that I can focus on getting them rather than the emotional overload that comes around. Life is what we make it. So, I have heard....now just to prove it.