"She does almost everything else on her own. I can’t figure out why she can’t do this one simple thing. She needs to just deal with it. I get frustrated with her complaining and making excuses. She even says things that are not really how she feels because she thinks it would get her the results she wants. How can I trust her?
I wrote this statement as a reflection of what someone might say about an individual with developmental/intellectual disabilities. It may be a family member or someone that provides support services to them. As I looked at it closer, I realized it sounds like something that could be said about any one of us. Don’t we all have a certain level of independence, but fall short in other areas? We also complain and make excuses. If you think you don’t complain and make excuses, then you are not being
honest with yourself. At times, we all will say things we don’t really feel because we think it might get us the results we want. Looking at it from that perspective, can any of us be trusted?
Mix human nature with a developmental/intellectual disability and possibly a little mental illness. It’s interesting what the results are. You have one end where the person is completely independent with daily living skills and struggle with social and coping skills. Then on the other end another person is great with social and coping skills but need assistance with gaining independence and daily living skills. Of course, there are some right in the middle and other variations. Just like each of us are different in our own way. We use those traits or struggles they have against them. We use them as an excuse to control every aspect of their life.
Then there are our individual choices and rights. You and I make choices every single day. There are some choices we have made that shows we are set and are not changing our minds. Those types of choices are usually related to things we don’t like or want to do and things that we are not comfortable with. I hate Lima beans. If someone told me I had no choice but to eat them, I would probably throw the Lima beans on the floor. I also dislike washing dishes. I will complain and make every excuse in the book not to do them. Every day, for years and years, people with developmental/intellectual disabilities have been told when and what they are going to do. This still happens for a lot of these individuals on a regular basis, just in a round-about way. Due to this, some have learned to lie or say things they don’t really feel to get what they want. When we realize that they have the right to choose not do something simply because they don’t like it. Then, in my opinion, those lies or what we call "manipulation" will subside. We also have the right to choose what we want to accomplish in life. If someone tells us, "Sorry, but that can't happen". Then we are either disappointed and angry or we just simply tell them off and prove them wrong! When we tell someone with developmental/intellectual disabilities "No, that can't happen." We expect them to sit there polite and quiet while we determine what we think they should do with their life.
We have to remember to support them in accomplishing their wants and goals, while having awareness and understanding of things they don’t like to do and who they are as an individual. Not who we think they are and what we think they want. It does not mean we do everything for them. It means we support them by finding a way for them to get what they want. We find a way to support them in communicating with others that will in turn give them a voice that they need. It means we stop focusing on their disability and focus on their ability. So instead of being frustrated because we can’t understand why they do or do not do something, turn our minds to:
"What can I do to give this person a voice and create a sense of accomplishment, while allowing them to make a choice and feel like they are being heard?"
(This thought can be applied to any individual relationship in general. Not just for individuals with developmental/intellectual disabilities)
If you would like more information about supporting individuals with development/intellectual disabilities check out these sites:
http://www.goldenrodonline.org/ (MDC Goldenrod)
http://www.indianadisabilityawareness.org/
http://www.inarf.org/ (Indiana Association of Rehabilitation Facilities, Inc.)
http://www.thearc.org/ (The Arc)
http://www.arcind.org/ (The Arc, Indiana Chapter)
http://www.guardianship.org/ (National Guardianship Association, Inc)
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